BY EMMELIE PICKETT
What words do you find yourself repeating in your mind — or out loud — when you feel stressed or anxious? We often encourage caregivers to use mantras to stay focused and calm while working with children. Here are a few mantras that we’ve heard from caregivers over the years:
“This too shall pass.”
“Serenity now.”
“It is my job to help you regulate.”
In the spirit of keeping things real, we’ve also heard a few that are slightly less zen, but you get the idea. Any short, repeatable phrase that helps you stay mindful and connected can be used as a mantra.
Recently Dr. David Cross developed his own TBRI® Mantra for parents and professionals to use when working with their children.
“I was channeling Karyn when I wrote it,” says Cross. “Basically I was thinking, ‘how did Karyn work?’ She was always calm, she would see the need behind the behavior, she would find a way to meet the need – especially at that first camp when she didn’t exactly know what was going on with the kids, and she never quit.”
STAY CALM
Dr. Cross: “When I think of ways to stay calm, I think of breathing. Just taking a deep breath can help us to stay calm. It’s also important to be willing to do or say nothing, but to just stay in the moment with your child. If you need to walk away for a moment to calm yourself, that’s okay.”
Remember that our children must experience co-regulation from a nurturing caregiver before they are able to self-regulate. To help your child reach a calm state, you must be calm.
SEE THE NEED
Dr. Cross: “A lot of ‘seeing the need’ is understanding the impact of trauma on kids. Having compassion and understanding helps us to see the need.”
“Seeing the need I think is changing your frame of reference so you realize that these are survival strategies rather than willful disobedience. Oftentimes kids have adapted to a toxic environment, and if you look at their behaviors through the lens of their histories, their actions make perfect sense. Understanding attachment and any deficits in early development also helps us to see the need.”
Ask yourself, “what does my child need?” when faced with challenging behaviors. By conducting a quick mental inventory of the current environment, previous events of the day, and any known triggers, we can often make a good guess at what our child needs when she is struggling. If you’re not sure, say, “Buddy, I want to help you. Can you use your words to tell me what you need?” in a calm, non-threatening tone. Your child’s answer may surprise you.
MEET THE NEED
Dr. Cross: “Meeting the need is what TBRI® is all about. Some of the simplest strategies – like redos and choices – can help us to correct behavior while meeting the needs of our kids. Training (in TBRI®) informs every component of the mantra, but it most informs meeting the need because TBRI® is about teaching caregivers skills to meet needs.”
In optimal development, a nurturing caregiver consistently responds a baby’s cries. This happens thousands of times in the first year of life, which builds healthy attachment. Because most children from hard places didn’t experience this type of care, we must be creative in meeting needs and saying yes, just like we would with a newborn baby. Obviously it’s not always feasible or appropriate to give a child exactly what he wants, but we can build and strengthen trusting relationships by creatively and joyfully meeting our children’s needs whenever it is possible. Identifying and meeting a child’s needs helps her to feel seen, safe, and understood.
DON’T QUIT
Dr. Cross: “Don’t Quit’ is about commitment. Commitment is the gift that we can give to the children we serve. We will mess up in many ways, but if we’re committed, we have a strong foundation for building connections and correcting behavior. ‘Don’t Quit’ isn’t about shaming a caregiver who may feel like quitting. ‘If not you, then who?’ is meant to encourage caregivers to surround themselves with a support system. This work isn’t meant to be done on an island. If not you, who from your support system can you call in for reinforcement?”
TBRI® is truly an investment. It takes consistency, persistence, connection and attunement, but the payoffs are immense. We encourage you to stick with it and celebrate every success, no matter how great or small.